By Kevin’s Path

Welcome to Indentured – The game of sex, humiliation, pain, bondage and tedious labor in 3,162,510 combinations

Greetings,

I am pleased to present to you this non-refundable one-of-a-kind copy of Indentured – the game of sex, humiliation, pain, bondage and tedious labor in 3,162,510 combinations. Every individual copy of Indentured is unique, having been designed specifically for you by my game development team based upon a personality profile that you submitted combined with my own internal research about you. Your presences on all social media have been reviewed, including the ones where you use an alias. I also purchased and analyzed the records of all your recent search terms from Google. A tremendous amount of time and resources were devoted upfront to get an intimate picture of you before I delivered your game. So, please understand that’s why I can’t offer refunds. Realize that you hold in your hands a unique crafted item, which will not only entertain you with its practically endless variations in gameplay, but it will also relentlessly challenge you and expand your mind, if you follow along and let it.

To begin your game simply shuffle and cut the deck. Then draw five cards. This is your first hand of Indenture. Each of your cards represents a task that you must perform today. You have until the end of the day or until sunrise tomorrow at the very latest – if you want to stay awake and pull an all-nighter.

This is your quick start guide:

1. You can only play one hand per day. Start whenever you like, but you must complete the hand before sunrise the next day. You must always draw at least five cards.
2. Each card represents a task you must complete. Consult your play manual to identify what your tasks are.
3. There are no do-overs. Play the hand that you drew.
4. There is no pause button. Play your hand now or don’t play. You may not put it away and resume at a more convenient time.
5. You must always combine two or more tasks simultaneously. No credit will be given for a single task completed by itself.
6. If you fail to complete a task, then you will be consigned to the penalty box.
7. If you combine two or more tasks in a creative non-obvious way, then you may be entitled to receive a brownie point – more on that later.
8. If you draw a joker, then some additional rules come into effect – more on that also later.
9. If you draw four of a kind in one hand (for instance 6♦ 6♥ 6♣ 6♠ 2♠) or a run of five cards all in one suit (like 6♦ 7♦ 8♦ 9♦ 10♦), then some additional rules come into effect – more on that also later.
10. If you have difficulty interpreting the rules in a particular instance, consult the Helpdesk.

 

Note about fair play: I rely upon on your sense of honor, personal integrity, and fair play when you open a hand of Indenture. Do your best to complete each task that you draw truly in the spirit of the game. Some tasks will turn you on. Some tasks might not. Some tasks you will think you could never do. Give them all a chance. You will ultimately not enjoy this game if you do the bare minimum possible to complete and are half-assed and uncommitted to its outcome. You will discover no higher meaning in it. You will discard it. You will likely remain unchanged, uninspired, with your dick less hard, having extinguished the spark that ignites within you. It makes me sad to think you would bail on it like that. I want more for you.

 

Safety Exemption

If you ever draw task or combination of tasks together in the game that you think would be unsafe or hazardous for you to do, then don’t do it. You get an unconditional free pass in that case. There is no penalty for taking precautions and playing safe.

There are more than three million possible unique hands that you could randomly draw. At Indentured’s QC Lab we have a guy who plays simulated hands all day every day to test and identify unforeseen consequences of every possible combination; however, it is impossible for foresee every possible outcome. When you play, please use your best judgment and sense to fully convince yourself that the combination you attempt is ridiculously hard and challenging but not actually dangerous.

 

All about The Penalty Box

If you fail to complete a task, then you will be consigned to the penalty box. For each task that you fail to complete, you will spend one week (that’s seven 24 hour cycles) in the penalty box. Here are the rules you must follow at all times when you are consigned to the penalty box:

1. Your masturbation privileges are revoked. There is no jerking off in the penalty box.

2. Any and all other forms of sexual gratification are off-limits. You agree not to seek out any enjoyable sexual experiences of any kind while in the penalty box.

3. No porn allowed.

4. No checking out hot guys or day-dreaming about hot guys.

5. All of your other non-penis related entertainment privileges are also revoked: no TV, movies, Youtube, Netflix, or video games.

Exception: You may watch educational shows or G-rated family programming. You may read newspapers and non-fiction texts if they don’t have pictures of hot guys.

 

Common Misunderstandings about The Penalty Box:

Your penalty begins immediately at the point in gameplay where you failed a task. To be clear, you may not finish your hand, indulge yourself with a wild night of freedom, and then start your time in the penalty box after. Your sentence begins immediately.

Once in the penalty box, you may still continue to play Indenture. You may choose to start a new hand as soon as the next day following your loss. For every hand that you pass, you may subtract one week off of your existing penalty.

Example: You play a hand Monday and fail one task, incurring a one week penalty. On Tuesday, you play again and complete your tasks successfully. Result: Your one week penalty is immediately erased. You are free.

 

All about Brownie Points

You must always combine two or more tasks simultaneously, as has previously been explained. No credit is given for a single task completed by itself. If you combine two or more tasks in a creative non-obvious way, then you may be entitled to receive a brownie point.

Brownie points are like gold to you in the game. If you have one saved up, then you can spend it whenever you want to either discard or replace a card that you either can’t or just really don’t want to do. You take the card that you least want to do, remove it, and just shuffle it back into the deck. It will come back to haunt you some other day, maybe.

Of course, there are some restrictions, provisos, and exemptions about how to spend your brownie points:

1. You must always have at least five cards in your hand. Don’t be a pussy with brownie points. Five is always the minimum that you have to do. So, if you only had five, and then you discard one, what would you guess is the right thing to do? Obviously, you need to draw at least one new card off the top to replace it. Then, you play that card instead. Don’t like the new card either? Tough shit. You’re stuck with your new choice, unless you’ve got another brownie point you want to spend.
2. You have to decide before you start on any of the tasks in your hand. You can’t start on your tasks and then part-way through change your mind to bail on a task, discarding it, because it gets too hard or too complicated. It’s your job to plan ahead and know what you are capable of before you start. Don’t be flaky with your brownie points.
3. If you draw a joker, you can’t use a brownie point to make it go away. You are stuck with it, and you always have to follow the special joker rules that come in to play. (See the Joker Section for more about that.)
4. If you draw four-of-a-kind or a run of five cards in one suit, then you can’t use a brownie point to break up the run or break up the four-of-a-kind. You have to follow the special rules that apply if that happens to you.

 

Earning Brownie Points

Brownie points are gold; so, how do you get them?

You have to combine two or more tasks in a creative non-obvious way. It is a little difficult to explain this by giving you examples, because once I give you an example, then that particular one is no longer creative and non-obvious to you. If you think you’ve done something to earn one, you need to go to the Indentured website and fill out an application to our Brownie Point Review Board.

Here is one way to go brownie point hunting. Look for combinations that seem as if they couldn’t be done together. Now, find a way to do them together. That would likely be brownie point-worthy. For instance:

4♥ (douchebag) and K♥ (spatchcocked). It doesn’t seem like an obvious combination. No, you can’t possibly douche out your ass while grabbing your heels all but immobile in that position. Or, can you? Think about it.

2♦ (stupid hairy pig) and 7♦ (cute baby). They don’t go together, because you can’t possibly suck on a pacifier and have a big juicy apple wedged in your mouth at the same time. Or, can you?

2♥ (master of mind control) and 10♦ (oil rig). You can’t possibly grease your shaft without physically touching your shaft. Or, can you?

There are more than 1400 unique two-card combinations in the game. Many of them are (or can be made to be) challenging to do together. Look upon them as opportunities to earn a brownie point.

 

Borrowing Brownie Points

What if you really, really need to spend a point, but you have not earned it yet? Supposing that you are confident you will earn one soon, you could get a loan from the brownie point bank. The only downside of getting a loan is that you will need to pay interest on the loan starting with the next hand you play after the current one.

Next time you play, you will need to draw one extra card for every outstanding brownie point that you owe to the bank. The extra card is your interest on the loan. If you are in debt by one point, then from now on draw six cards every hand you play until you pay the point back. You may borrow as many points as you want, but you will needed to draw an extra card for every one of them outstanding until repaid. There is no limit to how much debt you can choose to assume. Don’t like any of your cards? You can borrow five brownie points now to replace them all. Just be sure you will be comfortable playing a ten card hand next time and every time after that until you start paying the points back.

 

All about Jokers

There are two jokers in the deck. There is one red & yellow joker. There is one blue & black joker. These are the special rules that apply whenever you draw a joker:

1. For each joker in your hand, you must draw four additional cards off the top of the deck; typically, you end up with a total of nine cards in your hand, instead of the usual five. Don’t freak out yet.
2. For each joker in your hand, you have the option to remove one other card. (But, you can’t discard the joker.) Pick whichever one you least want to do and reshuffle it in the deck. Then, you have eight cards left. You are now left with the joker plus seven other cards that you must do, instead of the usual five – but at least you had some choice about how to shoulder the burden.
3. You have drawn a joker; therefore, there must be a joke at your expense. I know you understand the logic of this. Here it is:

You must figure out a way to perform at least one of your tasks while wearing a clown costume and simultaneously doing an entertaining clown performance. Think about prat falls, juggling, slapstick, and madcap physical comedy.

4. If you drew the red & yellow joker, then you are filthy raunchy sex clown. You will need to learn to work blue in your comedic clown act. Your performance ought to be bawdy, off-color, risqué, indecent, profane, and largely about sex.
5. If you drew the blue & black joker, then you are a schadenfreude clown. You have to die a little inside to become a really great comic; so, find a way to recreate a deeply humiliating painful experience in the form of a hilarious clown skit. Punish yourself and make us laugh through your tears.
6. Do your best with your clown costume. Really put some thought into that. Consult the Clown Guide for more information.
7. On rare occasions you might draw both jokers at the same time. No problem. Just double up everything. You’ll need to draw eight additional cards. You can optionally discard two cards. You’ll need to perform at least two of your nine tasks while wearing a clown costume and performing a madcap clown routine. One routine must be raunchy. The other routine must be painful yet funny.
8. The penalty for not putting on your clown costume or not doing a good clown performance is one week in the penalty box for every card in your hand. Neglecting to do it would typically sum up to eight weeks penalty. You get no credit for anything; so, don’t forget to do your clown routine.

 

The Clown Guide

So, you’ve drawn a joker. In addition to performing all your other tasks, you must now discover your own inner clown and make it real. You may have profound doubts about whether you are good clown material, but I have faith in your potential. This clown guide provides advice and suggestions to help you maximize your comedic potential and to become the best clown you can be!

 

All about Clowns

“I don’t care what Sarah Palin says anymore. Sarah Palin has become a clown. I’m embarrassed that I was once for Sarah Palin.” –Glenn Beck

This is a misconception. Sarah Palin does not really fit the formal definition of a clown, which is generally conceived as a slapstick comedic performer who communicates through mime. So, don’t dress up like Sarah Palin. That’s not what I mean here. I just want to make sure there is no confusion.

Let’s start with some definitions:

A clown is a comic performer who employs slapstick or similar types of physical comedy, often in a mime style (without speaking.)

Slapstick is a style of humor involving exaggerated physical activity which exceeds the boundaries of common sense.

Physical comedy, is a type of comedy that depends on visual, often exaggerated jokes and gestures.

Mime is a theatrical technique of suggesting action, character, or emotion without words, using only gesture, expression, and movement.

 

Clown Philosophy

Think for a moment about how man can be ennobled and represented heroically in great paintings and sculpture….

Good. We’re going the other direction with you. A clown is grotesque mockery of man and a hilarious object of ridicule. That’s why it’s so important that you devote time, thought, and conscientious practice into becoming the best clown you can be.

 

Clown Types

You are a clown, but the question you need to ask yourself is, “Deep down inside, what kind of clown am I?” There are many different types. Here is a non-exhaustive list to get you started:

• Whiteface Clown — must be mentioned, because it is the classic traditional type. Think Bozo and Ronald McDonald. It is a boring choice but acceptable.
• Court Jester Clown — otherwise known as a Fool, was an entertainer employed in the house of a nobleman in mediaeval times. A jester might be expected to wear motley colors with donkey ears and bells. He would often be treated like a household pet.
• Hobo or Tramp Clown — a cartoonish character portraying a homeless or impoverished person, often migratory, shiftless, alcoholic, or lazy.
• Rodeo Clown — entertains the crowd at a rodeo while distracting an angry bull from a fallen rider. He often hides behind barrels.
• Keystone Cop Clown — The Keystone Cops were fictional incompetent policemen, featured in silent film comedies in the early 20th century.
• Evil Scary Clown — The irrational fear of clowns is called There are many examples of this type in popular western culture. Think Pennywise from the novel “It” by Stephen King.
• Ethnic Clown — a character that ridiculously impersonates people of a different race for entertainment. Even the traditional whiteface clown was originally based on a stereotyped image of Irish people (red hair, giant alcoholic nose.) Other examples include the Blackface Clown, the Mustache Twirling Villain Clown.
• Nance Clown — a burlesque theater character that hilariously portrays a mincing prissy effeminate homosexual male.

Here also is a list of some famous clowns whose work you might want to study:

• Rowan Atkinson (Mr. Bean)
• Teller — American magician, comedian
• Buster Keaton — a silent film actor known for his trademark physical comedy and consistently stoic deadpan expression.
• Red Skelton (Freddie The Freeloader)
• Charlie Chaplin — a silent film actor known for portraying The Little Tramp, a bumbling good-hearted vagrant.
• Michael Richards (Cosmo Kramer)
• Benny Hill — British comedian known for humor relying on slapstick, sexual innuendo, and parody.
• Jerry Lewis (The Nutty Professor)
• Marcel Marceau — famous for his silent mimed exercises, such as The Cage and Walking Against the Wind.
• Harpo Marx — one of theMarx brothers who never speaks, famous for crazy sight gags, doing elaborate charades, and pulling improbable objects out of his coat pockets.
• Paul Reubens (Pee Wee Herman)

 

Clown Names

You should give yourself a good clown name. If you have trouble coming up with a name, consult here for ideas:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_clowns

 

Notes on Clown Costumes

You should devote a significant time and your best creative effort into assembling your clown costume. Don’t just go to the Halloween costume store and pull one off the shelf. This should be your own unique creation.

• Decide if you want to apply make-up for face-painting or body painting. If you are planning to be a naked clown, then you will obviously need to think about body paint.
• A good rule of thumb is to super-size or micro-size clothing for your costume to be either extremely large or extremely small. The incongruous juxtapositon of extremely large and extremely small together is sometimes comical. Think about the iconic giant clown shoes and tiny hat combination that clowns often use.
• Choose brightly colored clothes and accessories.
• Consider if it would be worthwhile to invest in a huge red curly wig, a bald-headed wig, or maybe a big goofy rainbow wig.

 

Clown Performances

Here is a partial list of clown performance elements, which you could incorporate into your act:

• Balloon animals
• Juggling
• Magic Tricks
• Walking into walls
• Slipping and falling on your ass
• Charades
• Tell a story through pantomime
• Slapstick comical violence
• Puppet show
• Do a dance accompanied by music

 

What happens if I draw four of a kind?

If you draw four of a kind in one hand (for instance 6♦ 6♥ 6♣ 6♠ 2♠), then some additional rules come into effect.

1. You may not discard or pass on any of the four cards that make up four-of-a-kind in your hand.
2. You must complete at least two of the tasks in your hand while in your sleep.

What does “in your sleep” mean? Some tasks can literally be fulfilled while sound asleep. “Sock Puppet” is one example. Obviously, you could fall asleep with a cute sock puppet on your dick.

Other tasks do require active conscious participation from you. To fulfill any of those tasks “in your sleep”, you would need to set an alarm to wake yourself up at some time in the night. Get out of bed, sleepyhead, and complete these two remaining tasks that you left undone from the previous day. Be sure to complete them both by sunrise. You may go back to sleep after you have completed them successfully.

 

What happens if I draw a run?

If you draw a run of five cards all in one suit (for instance 6♦ 7♦ 8♦ 9♦ 10♦), then some additional rules come into effect.

1. You may not discard or pass on any of the five cards that make up a run in your hand.
2. An ace counts as “one” for the purpose of forming a run. The combination of king, queen, jack, 10, and 9 in that order is also a run.
3. You must complete each of the individual tasks that make up the run (obviously).
4. You must also complete all tasks belonging to that card suit with values less than the lowest valued card. In the example above there is a run in diamonds. You must do every task between 10♦ and A♦. That is a double-sized hand; so, you will have a busy day.
5. Although you cannot discard or pass on the five cards making the original run, you may use brownie points to discard any of the additional cards you have picked up below the lowest valued run card.

 

Crib Sheet – Sex Cards

 

A♥ Fucked by politicians: Find any convenient cock, dildo, plug, item of produce, or other insertable phallic object. Now, locate the text of an important speech given by a politician or an important government official. Recite the speech with seriousness and gravity while fucking yourself.

2♥ Master of mind control: Get yourself hard using your mind only today, and stay at attention until you’ve completed at least one other task. You are allowed no physical contact with your penis today. No touching, stroking, sliding, slapping, grabbing, poking, rubbing, scratching…nothing like that. You can fuck the air, if you want to.

3♥ Nose, tongue, and toes: Find a way to touch your nose and tongue to both big toes all at the same time.

4♥ Douchebag: Make yourself more fuckable by thoroughly cleaning and freshening up your butthole. When I pull out, I want to be gleaming and fresh like morning dew.

5♥ Prancing pony: Get your cock and balls out, and expose at least your bare thighs and your stomach below the navel. Get your hands together behind your head with your elbows toward the sky. Jog in place, but bounce a little. Get your knees up at least as high as your hips. Thrust out your stomach and get your thighs close together. Get a rhythm going so that your cock slaps up against your stomach, and then your balls slap down against your thighs in time with your pace. Your unit should be keeping time with you like a metronome. Your goal is to maintain this smack-smack-smack rhythm uninterrupted and also to maximize the force and loudness of the dick slapping. If you start out with a soft cock and then then stiffen and elongate more as you prance, you’ll find there is a half-hard sweet spot where you can whip it around to maximum effect. This should be tiring if you do it correctly. You should definitely work up a sweat.

Note: This doesn’t technically count as sex – so long as you don’t cum from it. However, you may not slap your dick against anything if you are a master of mind control.

6♥ Pongo: Hump like a dog until you cum with no hands on a leg or some furniture. I expect you to pant, stick your tongue out, and slobber.

7♥ Perform on command: You are required to get yourself off while simultaneously doing at least one other task. No pressure, but if you fail to ejaculate promptly, then you fail this entire hand and will receive no credit for any tasks performed. You will of course be consigned to the penalty box one week for every failed task in your hand. Hurry up!

8♥ Trenchcoat: Perform a sexual act in a public place where there is danger of getting caught.

9♥ Exposed: Find an acceptable way to have a stranger see you naked. Suggestions: attend a nudist gathering; get a physical; go camping; get a massage; hang out in a locker room. Remember, you must combine this task simultaneously with at least one other one.

10♥ Grind: You are too shy and don’t get out enough. Reactivate your Grindr and Recon accounts that you hardly ever look at. Update your old and incomplete profiles with candid and true information that describes you.

You should mention in your profile that you are playing Indentured – the game of sex, humiliation, pain, bondage and tedious labor in 3,162,510 combinations, but you suck at it; so, you would appreciate any coaching to make you a better player. If anyone makes a credible, reasonable offer to coach you, then you must accept the offer and follow-up.

Check out some guys and chat. You must make a serious effort to talk to as many guys as there are cards in your hand. Be a good boy. I know I don’t have to tell you to be polite, respectful, and completely truthful.

Remember that you must simultaneously do at least one other task while chatting.

J♥ Blue-balls: Go out as far as you can to your edge. Before starting on any of your other tasks, get yourself hard and excited at least to the point where you juice up with precum. Stop just before the point of no return. At regular intervals between now and the completion of your hand, jack yourself up again all the way to your edge, but, don’t even think about shooting. The number of times you must jack yourself without climaxing is equal to at least the number of cards in your hand.

You are free to shoot your load after the hand is over, only if you have no other cum restrictions in effect and are not in the penalty box. If you draw this card while you are in the penalty box, then you must play it. You may not discard it. You may not shoot after the hand is over unless your penalty has expired.

Note: If you draw this card in combination with Join a Monastery, you are required to jack yourself to your edge and then punish yourself (obviously) for getting hard and thinking lustful thoughts every time.

Q♥ Face fuck ergonomics: Discover some way to attach handle bars to your head. Stretch out your jaw and devote some time and effort to improving your talents as deep-throating face hole.

K♥ Spatchcocked: Get on your hands and knees on the floor. Lower your chest and face onto the floor. Open your mouth and kiss the floor. Then, reach back with each hand and grab the heel of each foot. Then, spread out your knees and arch your back to push your hips toward the floor until you can feel your cock head touching the floor. Keep your chest and both tits flat on the floor. Keep widening and flattening out until you can also get your balls on the floor. If you are in the right position, your mouth, tits, cock and balls are all on the floor with your knees splayed out and your hands still gripping your heels.

Find a way to make yourself cum in this position, unless you are in the penalty box or have other cum restrictions.

 

Crib Sheet – Humiliation Cards

 A♦ Garbage boy: Do a service to your community. Go out with a trash bag and collect garbage until you’ve filled it up. When done, empty it out and sort the recyclables. Strip and wear only the empty trash bag for the rest of the day. If you found any clothes while you were dumpster diving, you may wear them too.

2♦ Stupid hairy pig: Open wide your mouth and wedge a big juicy apple in between your teeth. See if you can smush your nose somehow into a pig snout. Get yourself into a lotus position with your knees splayed out wide and your feet folded up under your balls. Be present in the moment and meditate reflectively about what it means to you to be stupid hairy pig who craves this type of experience. Breathe slowly and deeply.

3♦ Put yourself on display: Adjust any directional lamps and increase the level of lighting as much as possible before you mount onto your display table. Set up any available cameras or video recording equipment. I expect you to practice holding each of these four positions as long as you can before cycling to the next one. Draw cards from the bottom of your deck until you get to the first numbered card. This how many cycles of four you will do.

Position 1. Get up onto hands and knees. Your knees will be about 2½ – 3 ft apart. Use a ruler and tape to mark your knee positions on the table. Gently lower your head down and plant your face in the table with your mouth, chin, and nose on the table top. Mark your eye position on the table with tape also. Don’t look up or let your eyes wander from the mark. You may become slightly cross-eyed. Your face and your knees make a tripod. The natural tendency in this position is to sit back on your heels; don’t do that. Get your hips up high vertical on top of your thighs. Arch your back to get your ass up as high as it can go. Put your arms behind your back with elbows close together. Reach your two hands deeply into the crack of your ass, grab firmly, and spread your ass cheeks apart so everyone can get a good look at your hole. Push with your abdominal muscles and pucker out your hole. You are expected to keep your asshole puckered out at all times in this position. Continually non-stop pull apart your butt cheeks. Don’t assume it can’t open out more. If I filmed your butthole with time-lapse photography, it should look like a flower blooming.

Position 2. Lie down on your back with your shoulder line at the edge of your display table. Relax your neck to allow your head to fall back over the table edge. Let your jaw hang open, and see the world upside down. Grab the sole of each foot with your hand from the outside and straighten your legs. Your legs should look like a giant V in the air. Keep your knees locked. Continuously pull with your arms to widen the V.

Position 3. Stand on your display table with your toes and heels together. Sink into a squat position. Shift all your weight to your toes, raising your heels high in the air, and swivel your hips to bring your knees out wide to either side of you. Raise your arms. Grasp your hands behind your head. Pull your elbows way back behind your ears so you can can’t see them in your peripheral vision. Pull your stomach in, arch your back, and push your chest out. Keep your neck straight and your chin out off of your chest. Keep your eyes down focused on a mark on the table top in front of you. Hold the position balanced on your toes.

Position 4. Kneel up on your knees with your knees ten inches apart. Mark the spacing with tape marks. Put your hands on your ass cheeks as if you were putting them in the back pockets of your jeans. Lean backward. Look at the ceiling, then keep looking backward until you see the wall behind you upside down. Reaching behind you, grab the top of each heel with each hand, thumb outside, fingers inside. Look at the wall behind you. Push your chest up to the ceiling. Push your hips out and forward. You should be in a deep back arch with your hips and groin thrust out with your meat on display.

4♦ Join a monastery: To purify your eternal soul, you have taken three vows to maintain yourself in poverty, chastity, and silence. You may not spend any money, unless for a donation to charity. You are allowed no sex of any kind today, regardless of what other cards say. You may not communicate with anyone except to pray to your god, regardless of what other cards say. You should also pre-plan a way to punish yourself each time you get an erection or think any lustful thoughts. You are permitted to wear at most one piece of plain peasant clothing to cover your nakedness. It needs to be some type of robe, gown, cloak, towel, or rag. It ought to be easy to pull down for the purpose of whipping or flagellating yourself.

5♦ Lifebuoy: I heard you say a bad word. It sounded like “Oh fudge!” But, it was really the F-dash-dash-dash word! Stuff big wide soap bar in that dirty mouth. You might want to try different brands. Some people prefer Lux. Palmolive has a nice, piquant after–dinner flavor. Lifebuoy, on the other hand….

In the 1983 movie A Christmas Story, Ralphie’s mother washes his mouth out with Lifebuoy soap for swearing, and Ralphie dreams that he goes blind from soap poisoning; so, after you’ve performed at least one other task with soap in your mouth, find a way to complete all your remaining tasks with your eyes blinded.

6♦ Ding dong: I’ve found a new and better use for your weenie. We will repurpose it as a bell ringer to alert any normal guys around about your wild homo urges. It will act like a little weenie lighthouse warning them away from the rocks. Find some type of good loud, clangy bell with some weight to it. Hang it off the base of your knob. Keep it swinging free outside of any clothing, and just keep ringing that bell.

7♦ Cute baby: Put a bonnet on your head and a big fat pacifier in your mouth. Suckle on that pacifier. Wear a diaper. Put an ice pack down your diaper to shrink down your dick into a cute little harmless nubbin. It shouldn’t be any bigger than an inch. Eat one jar of baby food for every card in your hand.

8♦ Defeated Jock: Put on a really tight athletic supporter with a cup and at least one other item of athletic gear. Your coach discovered your secret notebook full of jerk-off stories about your teammates. You need to report to his office immediately to discuss the status of your athletic scholarship and your new position with the team as the locker room bitch. Your new duties will include scrubbing down the locker room shower stalls and toilets after practice and writing detailed letters of apology to each your teammates for secretly smelling their jocks and masturbating to disgusting fantasies about licking their sweaty feet and genitals. It’s time to make those toilets gleam and then write another apology.

9♦ Target: Sometimes I have trouble with my aim. Would you help me out, pal? Make a big user-friendly bullseye target on your ass or, maybe, some dayglow airport landing strip marks. Also, figure out a way to attach a wide-mouthed funnel to your face where your mouth would be. Super! You are free to consume any food you want, so long as it’s liquid or in the form of mush that you can push down the hole of the funnel.

10♦ Oil Rig: Grease up your shaft. Lubricate your hole. Slick back your hair. Make your whole body glisten with oil. Find a way to attach both feet to the floor or to some other immovable object.

J♦ Sex monkey: You have been intensively trained through aversive conditioning and hypnosis to be a performing sex monkey in my porn circus. I keep you in a cage all the time between shows. You are only permitted to make monkey sounds. Every time you complete a task correctly, I reward you with one banana. Your monkey brain only craves bananas; so, you won’t want to have any other food. You can have all the water you want. Note: your banana reward is not optional. You will eat a banana for every task you finish correctly, or else. You should do your best to peel and eat the banana with your feet.

Monkeys have weird mating behaviors that are difficult for humans to comprehend. In your species’ case, you can only have sex if you see a fleshy pink balloon inflate out of another monkey’s ass; otherwise, you can’t get turned on.

Note: If you draw this card in combination with a joker, then you will eat two bananas for every task you complete in your hand. If you draw two jokers in combination with this card, then you will eat three bananas for every task you complete in your hand.

Q♦ What to do with only one shoe: Create face-hugging headgear for yourself using any single closed-toe shoe, sneaker, loafer, moccasin, or boot. Preferred configuration is to wedge your chin into the heel counter with your nose under the tongue of the shoe, the toe cap pointed between your eyes toward your forehead. You can secure it to your face with the laces or by wrapping some tape or other bindings around your head.

K♦ Sock puppet: Be creative in the way that you choose to turn your penis into a sock puppet. You could pull socks over your penis shaft. Maybe, wrap and tie some socks on to look like ears. You could secure it with rubber bands, shoe laces or more socks. Give it a face with personality. I highly recommend googly eyes, but they are not mandatory.

 

Crib Sheet – Pain and Bondage Cards

A♣ Sweat bag: Get into your thermally insulated sleeping bag. Zip it up all the way to hold in your heat. Cover your face and head. If able to wear clothes, add on multiple layers to maximize tightness, confinement, and heat build-up.

2♣ Ball buster: You’ve gotten enough enjoyment out of your nutsack. Give it a new purpose today as a stress-relieving squeeze toy or a paddle ball. Set up a regular schedule of ball busting sessions throughout the day. Get them out and whack away. Go for breaking a sweat and feeling a little dizzy and nauseated each session.

3♣ The Price is Right: We need to raise some cash by auctioning you off at the best price we can get. First off, I’ll need you to write out your product description to go into the auction catalog. You will need to describe what you are good for and any special talents you may have. You will also need to provide the following stats:

Lot #:

Height:

Weight:

Maximum insertion diameter (anal):

(oral):

Flaccid Penis Length:

Circumference:

Erect Penis Length:

Circumference:

Yaw:

Testicle Volume (measured by orchidometer) Right:

Left:

Anogenital Distance:

How long can you hold your breath?:

How many teeth do you have?:

Chest Circumference:

Waist Circumference:

Wingspan (maximum distance fingertip to fingertip):

How wide apart can you spread your legs? (heel to heel distance):

Dietary requirements (kosher/vegan/gluten free/cum only):

Modifications (tattoos/piercings/circumcision/other):

Tongue Length:

Width:

Can you roll the lateral edges of your tongue upwards into a tube?

Feet (distance big toe to heel) Right:

Left:

 

When you step up onto the auction block, you will need to be naked and in bondage with at least some type of restraints on your wrists and ankles. Chains and shackles would be ideal. Your lot number should be written large on your chest and ass so that people know where to find you in the catalog.

Draw a numbered card from the bottom of your deck. This is the opening bid for you. Depending on what it is, we need to decide if we should accept it or try to bid up your price further. If we accept it, then you are sold. Step down.

If we go for higher, then draw another numbered card. If the next card is higher than the initial bid, then good. Your price has gone up. You may take a free pass on one of the other tasks in your hand today as a reward for being such quality merchandise. If the second card is same value as the first card, then you must draw again. If the card is lower than the initial bid, then you failed to sell at a reasonable price. You failed this task.

We may continue to bid up your price multiple times, each time winning another free pass on another task in your hand if your price keeps rising. However, you fail as soon as your price dips down, and you lose all of your accumulated free passes then.

4♣ Parcel post: I plan on transporting you to a more secure location. Figure out the best way to pack yourself into a small, economical, light weight shipping container. Be sure to leave an air hole to breathe, and plan a way to get out after you are signed for at your destination. Immobilize yourself as much as possible, and think about how your only purpose is to wait and obey.

5♣ Water torture: Drink lots of water (or beer) today. Postpone starting on any of your other tasks until you feel full with urgency to piss like a race horse. Hold it as long as you can. You must complete at least half of your other tasks successfully before you may use your hose to put out any fires.

6♣ Take my yoke upon you: You need to find a way to get a ridiculously large, restrictive, heavy, massive collar on you. A plain, old dog collar will not do. Get more creative.

7♣ Ummpf: You love gags and muzzles, and I suspect you have a whole collection of favorite socks, deflated tennis balls, dog toys, bits, tapes, elastic bands, and tongue clamps. Pick a really good one.

8♣ Useless as tits on a bull: I could imagine you with a pair of massive protruding hog-tits as wide as my thumb. That would be ideal. You are not nearly there yet; so, get to work on them, will you? Please? Do some serious work on them right now today. Clamp them. Stretch them. Twist them. I should be able to grab one with my fist.

9♣ Tether: You need at least one length of chain and at least two locks. Tether yourself to an immovable or heavy object, such a support post or a heavy appliance. The length of the chain tether may be no more than 5 ft. Make sure you have everything you need for the rest of the day, because the 5 foot radius is the extent of your world from now on.

10♣ Pain relief: I am giving you a choice here. Choose either “Icy-Hot” pain relieving cream or any brand of high potency pain relief cream with at least 0.1% capsaicin to ease your pain. Apply it liberally all around your asshole, ball sack, dick shaft, and tits until you start to feel a warm pain relieving sensation. You don’t need to wash it off. Your nerve endings will overload and stop responding after a while. You’re welcome.

J♣ Hobble Yourself: You might need your legs and arms, but who says you need the full use of them? Bind your upper arms tightly to your torso from your shoulders to you elbows; bind your thighs together from your hips to your knees. Your balls can be either inside or outside of the binding. You should still be able to work your legs below the knees to hobble around slowly, and you should still be able to move your forearms and hands around with a limited range of motion. So, you aren’t totally useless.

Q♣ Rolled and Wrapped: Make a cocoon for yourself out of plastic wrap, bungie cords, carpeting, or anything that can bind you up tightly head to toe.

K♣ Punishment Tour: You have committed regulatory infractions as a cadet at my military academy. You may not be acceptable officer material, and you certainly will not graduate until you have worked off your punishment hours.

Lace up your boots. Put on your fatigues and any other military gear. Your uniform must pass inspection before your punishment tour may begin. Only after you pass inspection, draw a numbered card from the bottom of the deck. This is the minimum number of hours that you must work off today. You will drill a combination of push-ups, sit-ups, crunches, wind sprints, squats, long distance running, or any other exercises to exhaust you and break you down.

If you are currently in the penalty box and you hold this card in your hand, then you may apply your worked hours today to reduce your penalty time. You may reduce your penalty box time by one day for every solid hour of punishment drills.

 

Crib Sheet – Tedious Labor Cards

A♠ Counting: Take 10,000 steps. No. We don’t need a Fitbit, because we have you to keep track of these things.

2♠ Washing machine: I don’t need to go to the laundromat anymore, because I have you. Do the laundry by hand the way I like it. You’ll need a wash basin with warm water and detergent, a wash board, a rinse bucket with clean cold water, rubber gloves, some rope to string up and use for a clothes line, some newspapers or tarp to catch any dripping off the clothes line, an iron, and an ironing board.

1. Wash each item individually by dunking it the wash basin and rubbing it up and down ten times on the wash board. Underwear and socks need to be rubbed ten times inside and ten times outside. Undershirts need to be rubbed ten times inside, ten times outside, and ten times each arm pit.
2. Dunk each item in the rinse bucket and wring the water out. Repeat this step five times to get all the soap out.
3. Hang each item on the clothes line to air dry.
4. Change the wash water and rinse water out at least after every half hour.
5. You may start ironing only when clothes are completely dry.
6. It may take eight hours or more for clothes to air dry; so, start laundering early as possible to be finished by sunrise the next day. If you have trouble air drying an item, such as a towel, try holding at the edges and whipping it through the air forcefully.
7. All items, including underwear and socks must be ironed unless the tags say not to.
8. Match up all individual socks and fold together.
9. Hang up pants and shirts on hangers after ironing out all wrinkles.
10. Fold all towels, undershirts, and underpants individually and stack wrinkle free.

3♠ Floored: Find a hard wood or tile floor, and make it gleam. You will need one wash bucket with hot water and floor soap, rubber gloves, one cold water rinse bucket, a big sponge or a mop head with no handle, and throw away cloth towels to wipe down with. Clear the floor of any rugs or furniture before starting. Knee pads are highly recommended. Make three passes over the floor first with hot soapy water, with cold rinse water, and finally with towels to buff it dry. Stay down off your feet and keep your eyes on the floor.

4♠ Make your weight: You have a hard-on for UFC mixed martial arts fighter Clay “The Carpenter” Guida. Tomorrow is your weigh-in for the big fight with him in The Octagon. You need to get down to 145 pounds or under in time so you qualify to compete in the featherweight division. Spend some time practicing at least one of the four MMA disciplines to prepare: wrestling; kickboxing; striking; or jiu jitsu.

5♠ Sensory deprivation: Trust me. You look great naked with a bag over your head. Find a quiet safe place where you can’t get into any trouble. You will need to have a clock. Put ear plugs in. Cover your ears to muffle sound. Cover your eyes. Cover your face. Be silent.

You need to stay that way for two hours, but if you can’t see a clock or hear an alarm, how will you know? (You can’t put your phone on vibrate either.) Make your best guess. If you come out to early, you’ve failed the task.

6♠ Be a good little footstool: Fill an open drink cup with water, beer, or other drink. Set up a chair in front of the TV, computer, or radio. Turn on a broadcast about a sports event that you know little or nothing about. Set up a chair in front of the TV, then get down on your hands and knees in front of the chair. Keep your back straight and your eyes on the floor. You are not here to see the game. You are here to be my footstool and drink holder. Place the drink cup somewhere on your ass, back, neck or head, and hold still to balance it there. Stay like that until the end of the game.

I expect you to listen to the play-by-play and memorize the final score of the game for me in case I fall asleep.

7♠ Hidden Message: Open up a non-fiction book with more than 100 pages and few pictures if any (definitely, no pictures of hot guys) , and copy down every seventh word starting anywhere within the first ten pages. When you encounter a secret hidden message that gives you another instruction, you are free to stop copying and go follow that instruction; otherwise, continue until you reach the last page.

8♠ Money bags: Age-old problem – how to carry your money around if you are a naked bitch and have no pockets. Solution: Put all your money in the form of coins and other heavy valuables into a coin bag that you can hang from a cock ring at the base of your balls. It will all be safe there. If too heavy, try running support lines out to your tits to distribute the load.

9♠ Cross-country: Go outside for a long distance run. Regardless of the season or weather, I expect you to go shirtless wearing at most for clothes only footwear, optional hat, and the briefest least substantial running shorts that you can find.

10♠ Time-out: You need a tennis ball, baseball, basketball or something similar. Go to a corner of the room. Place the ball against the wall at the height of your forehead. Lean your head against the ball, holding the ball with your head against the wall. Grab your forearms behind your back. Put your feet and heels together. Stand up straight. Stay in position without letting the ball slip.

J♠ Work the pile: Assemble a pile of objects at one end of a long room – can be anything: rocks, clothes, books, trash, pennies, playing cards…. It should be a substantial pile with about 50-100 things at least. Then, put on a pair of boxing gloves or mittens over both hands, and tape your fingers and thumb all together.

Pick up one item at a time from the pile. Carry it to the opposite end of the room, and put it down to start accumulating a second pile there. Return, and repeat until the first pile is all gone. Don’t stop or take any breaks from working the pile.

Repeat this entire process with the new pile that you’ve accumulated across the room. Move each thing back, and reconstitute the original pile where you started. At this point you will have made between 100 and 200 back-and-forth trips across the room to transport your pile round trip back to where it started.

Now, draw cards from the bottom of your deck until you come to the first numbered card. This number is how many more times you will transport the pile round-trip across the room.

Q♠ Mod yourself: Modify your body in a significant way that will last for at least longer than today. Here are some suggestions:

• Shave a part of your body (other than your facial hair).
• Wax a part of your body.
• Get a tan.
• Get a tattoo.
• Pierce something.
• Do something about those teeth.
• Dye yourself a new color.
• Get some cosmetic surgery.

K♠ Youtube reviewer: You are a connoisseur of bare chested calisthenics and weightlifting routines on Youtube. Go online, and critically review any ten videos in the bare chested workout genre. Takes notes, and write your review. Rate the videos based on the following criteria:

• Hotness of the bare chest
• Workout difficulty
• Workout variety and originality of the routine
• Video quality and interesting camera angles
• Personality, interesting quirky touches
• Musical score, if any.
• Tone and attitude: Is it friendly, instructional, domineering, coaching, hyper-masculine, overtly sexual, clinical, pushy, insulting, very straight, very gay?

After completing your review, create your own original work-out, choosing from among the best routines that you have seen demonstrated. Be realistic about your capabilities. Don’t make it too easy or too hard. From now on going forward, if you are in the penalty box, you will perform this routine every day without fail as part of your penance (in addition to not jerking off.) You may only alter your routine, if you draw this card again and do another review.

 

Metal would like to thank Kevin’s Path for this game!