By Socalbd

Day 2

Friday, March 7, 2025

Good morning,

Light is barely coming into the cell from the window.  It’s dawn.  I thought I would write my thoughts throughout the day as they came to me so this might be disjointed.

The sound of a flushing toilet woke me.  It took me a couple of hours to get to sleep last night, but I finally did sleep.  I woke up to realize I’m still in prison – and alone in solitary.  The coarse blanket they give us is one of the many reminders I’m in prison.

Another toilet flushes.  It’s never quiet even when it’s quiet.  The constant hum of the air vent pushing air into my cell never stops.  It’s doing time, too, just like me.  The humming is always there, and the air is never still.

More toilets flushing.  Will I stay in solitary today?  Maybe I’ll get to see and talk to someone.  Anyone.  I can’t believe how lonely it is.  It’s lonely.  I’m lonely.

A couple of months before this the corrections department assigned two people to me – an inmate liaison and a guard.  They were to help me “transition in” by being able to answer questions.  It was all through text messaging – when I had a phone.

I miss them.  I don’t even know them or if they are staff here.  They were both so nice and respectful.  Even though I was going to prison to be an inmate they answered my questions respectfully and told me to hang in there.  I would get through this, but it’s only day 2.  To be able to talk to them again would be so helpful.  To be able to talk to anyone would be a gift.  It’s lonely in solitary.  The interactions with the guards are short and mostly transactional.  The last guard to verbally check on me, actually the last two guards, were both nice.  At least they were kind in how they talked to me.

Lights are on.  Some instructions I think were being shouted. I have no idea what the guard shouted.  It was like an airport announcement – blah, blah.

The guards keep walking by my cell.  No one stops.  The cell next to mine doesn’t appear to be a guy in solitary.  The guards talk to him and he gets to leave and join the other inmates.  It’s like I’m right next to some demarcation line of the imprisoned and the damned.  So close, yet so far.  Why do I think solitary would be better if I wasn’t so close to those living together?  It’s prison but at least they have each other.  I have no one.  It’s only day 2 and all I want is to have a conversation with someone.  The guard who took me out of my cell yesterday all so briefly to get water wouldn’t talk to me at all.  At least he pressed the water button for me to dispense the water when he figured out I couldn’t hold the bottle and reach the button with my wrists in handcuffs.

There is so much going on in the lower tier.  Voices and conversations.  Some other inmate, I think, fought a guard and all the guards went running.  So much activity on the other side of my locked, steel, solid door.  Lonely.

I did manage to get my non-weight exercises in this morning and some meditation time if you call it that with all the noise.  I’ll stretch later today.  I guess I need to schedule my “routines” to pace out the day.

Solitary is real when no one cares.  I’m just an inmate being warehoused. Feed me, water me and keep me alive but keep me alone.  Oh, that second meal last night was so good – a cheeseburger!  I’m glad it wasn’t the other meal I had heard about.  I guess I need to find the small bright spots.  Just being able to stop and write to you is helping.

It’s still early in day 2 of my confinement.  We haven’t even had breakfast, yet.  I look forward to that momentary interaction through the door slot.

Miss you!  Miss anyone!

I was released from solitary after breakfast.  I was so relieved.  I got to spend a few minutes in the rec room before going to chain gang.  They were looking for me but I wasn’t told to go to find them.  I got some flack from that.  I’m guessing the guards are trained to never apologize for their mistakes.  It’s a control thing.  You know how I feel about that.  Here it’s about control.  So be it.

The guys I was with on chain gang were great.  Even the first set of guards that we worked under were awesome.  We got a good amount of work done in the heat of the sun.  I would do it again if asked.  It felt like I was contributing in some way.

I did have to ask to leave the chain after lunch.  I’m not as young as I used to be.  My hands started cramping and I started to get blisters from the gloves they gave us.  They were too big.  It was better for me to work without the gloves.

I had a proud moment when I volunteered to take over as chain gang leader.  Yelling left, left, left right, left to everyone from the middle of the chain gang.  All those years in band – didn’t know it would come back.

I triggered today.  You know what that means.  Not my finest moment.  I apologized. I feel terrible about it.  He didn’t deserve my outburst.  The meditations were helping for a while, and I need to continue to apply those methods.  I won’t last here in prison if I can’t control my emotions.  Even in the misery of this place there are good people.  I want to be part of this community while I’m here.  The not-so-great guys – their loss.  I can contribute in some small way.  I need to figure it out.  I’m here to do time but it doesn’t need to be wasted.

Just in the few hours today I met people – guards and inmates – it’s clear who is genuine and who is putting on an act.  Nothing for me to do – I hope I’m being my genuine self, faults and all.  The majority are genuine – guards and inmates.  I’m trying to figure things out.  It’s all new, of course.

There was genuine concern from an inmate named Mikey on the chain gang.  He saw my hands cramp and some other things happening to me and suggested I tap out.  Genuine concern.  I said I was OK.  It was near lunch when we were to be fed in the field.  Mikey insisted if I didn’t get better soon he would tell the guards to tap me out.  Genuine concern.  We got fed and as I sat on the ground I realized I was just trying to prove to the younger guys I could keep up.  Stupid reason to keep going.  The signs were there.  I tapped out.  Mikey did, too, for his own health reasons.  I wanted to keep going.  Making good decisions is better.  Just an example of guys here looking out for each other.  I fell into a good group out of the gate. Lucky to be around such good men.

[Captain of the Guard margin note regarding the following paragraph:  “This sounds like my guards are corrupt and that’s not the case.”  COTG  The paragraph was lined out to not be included in the letter mailed out.]  It’s later in the day. I definitely got in trouble for my trigger episode earlier.  I was heavily shackled and taken to an old unused part of the prison.  The two guards placed me in an old decrepit cell and for some time handcuffed and leg cuffed me to the cell bars in ever increasing more difficult positions.  The last one felt like my left shoulder was going to be dislocated due to the angle and stretch.  I was able to power through and make it to the end of the session with a warning to behave.

The guards caught me by surprise with two incidents.  The first one… let’s just say they finally got the cell door open.

[Captain of the Guard margin note regarding the following paragraph: “We would never put a chastity device on an inmate.  That sounds in humane and would never happen in this prison.” COTG   The paragraph was lined out.]    The second unexpected happening was about my chastity device.  During intake all inmates are fitted with a chastity device to remain on during their sentence. Another attempt at control. The key is shown to us on a lanyard after we are locked, and the key is placed with our personal effects until our eventual release. [Editor’s note: This inmate was self-locked on arrival to the prison.  What happens next, actually did happen.]  While chained to the board, the one guard took something out of his pocket.  It was my lanyard with the key.  He asked if I knew what it was and I said yes.  He then pulled down my pants and boxer shorts and took the key and unlocked the device but did not remove it.  He took out of his pocket a different key and lock securing the lock on the device and pocketing the key.  He commented my chastity may go beyond my sentence.  I’m not sure what to think!

It’s getting close to dinner, and I don’t want to miss mail call to get this sent out.

I’ve made it through the first two days of my sentence with many more to go.

I don’t know if I’ll be able to write every day.  Maybe tomorrow I’ll be able to send another letter.

This one was long. I appreciate your care in reading. It’s strange to say as I wrote earlier there’s a community here of good men.  At least while I have to serve time this may be a good place to do it.  Small victories.

I love you at home.  Keep thinking of me.  S-