By Inmate 104517

I self-surrendered to a weekend in jail several weeks ago at a place called F22.

I arrived at the facility and could not find a place to park. I was supposed to be there by 1000. The guards were awaiting my arrival. Of course, my Business Partner called me as I was circling the parking lot looking for a place to park. I stopped and pulled out my laptop and logged in to check on a case I was working on. More on this later.

A guard approached my vehicle and saw I was working and graciously asked me how much longer I would be. Since I had yet to find a parking place, he offered to move the Prisoner Transport Van and said I could park there. He moved the van and I parked. I finished my business and entered the lobby of the jail as directed.

Several minutes went by, I was still wondering if I had made the right decision to be there. I had the same question days before as well during my nine-hour drive to the facility. I kept telling myself, “You’ve already paid for the experience, you are here, you will proceed with the experience.”

After a few minutes inside the lobby a black Police Explorer Interceptor pulled up, and two guards entered the lobby. I was handcuffed with my hands behind my back, my phone and car keys were removed from my jeans pockets, and after a brief delay due to a local resident driving down the alley I was placed in the plastic inmate transport backseat of the vehicle and buckled in. I learned later that weekend that that vehicle had just recently been procured.

We basically drove around the block (side note/survey note), this ride could have been longer. However, the ride in a realistic vehicle was impressive, nonetheless.

We arrived at the sally port where I was taken out of the vehicle and patted down before entering the jail itself. I was told to remove my shoes, and I was locked in a holding cell. When the door slammed closed, my thoughts at that point where I’m here, and I’m going to make the best of my time. This may be a good time to mention I’ve never been to jail before.

I sat down on the bench and leaned up against the wall. Just waiting. That’s all you can do in jail if you’re trying to be a compliant inmate, which was my intended mode of operation. A guard lifted the window covering and checked on me. Some time later the door opened, and I was ordered to come out.

At that point I was stripped searched which was a little uncomfortable for me, I was also ordered to shower and ultimately dressed out in boxers, an inmate jumpsuit, socks, and inmate slides.

I begin to learn not to cross red lines without orders. There is a lot of control exercised over an inmate when in jail.

Into the intake area. My information was taken, my picture was taken, and my inmate badge was printed (another side note/survey note, maybe add fingerprints to the process), and I was really looking forward to a non-removable wristband, (although I learned later in the weekend the wristband printer was down).

I was assigned to cell 3-2 and escorted to cellblock 3. Cellblock 3 is a four-man block, however there were only two of us in the block, so we each had our own cells. I had previously agreed to have a cellmate, although that did not happen. I thought it would enhance the experience. I lucked out and got a great cellblock mate.

The guy in the adjacent cell was out of uniform, so there were some comments made by the guards toward him when I arrived.

Once in, the door to our cellblock slammed shut. So now two guys that had never met each other got to meet each other and start to know each other and exchange life stories. He was great, I lucked out having him as my “pod mate.” At some point after talking to my pod mate, I realized I did not get sheets or an intake kit. My pod mate stepped up for me to let a guard know this. Sheets and an intake kit showed up sometime later.

You lose time in jail. Like I said before I was supposed to surrender at 1000, although it was more like 1010 when I got arrested. The intake process took some time, however, I have no idea what time it is, so here I am in a pod with a guy I did not know, having casual conversation.

The pod door opened, and we were ordered to line up against the wall for lunch. No real instructions, and I won’t spoil it for future F22 inmates, however, it takes a while for myself and my fellow inmates to learn the rules for chow.

After lunch we were ordered to stand against the wall. I was put in handcuffs behind my back and led into a hallway where I was put in a black plastic restraint chair. I’m thinking, I haven’t done anything wrong, why am I in this situation? I need to go back and look, however, I may have asked to experience it.

Not sure how long I was in the chair, but it was long enough. There was another inmate in the hall in another restraint chair that kept slipping his feet out of the restraints. This led to him having a hood placed over his head, and since another guard had already gone to get a hood, they had two, so guess what, they put one on me and blamed that on the other inmate.

I started to hyperventilate and thought I just have to deal with this. Finally, I calmed down and eventually a guard took the hoods off both of us.

I’m in finance – I know first in last out. I was first in the chair, so I was last out of the chair, this will be replayed later in the weekend.

So, I’m finally out of the chair, back in my pod, talking with my new friend.

I don’t know if this was just our pod, but the ventilation was such you could smell whatever was cooking in the kitchen. Oddly enough, our pod was the farthest away from the kitchen.

Anyway, we start to smell dinner, which only makes you hungry. Finally, I hear the keys, and the pod door opens and we are ordered to line up for chow. Because of some dietary restrictions, they relocated me in line to get my meal. For some reason, I got a cupcake in addition to the regular dessert served. I’m not sure if this was the kitchen’s way of identifying the “special” meal or some other intention. I’m not into sweets, so I did not eat it. I took a little flak from the guards about not wanting to eat it.

Chow was over, and another inmate and I were picked for KP. This has advantages – keeps you out of your cell / pod, and the cook offers you an extra treat. Best description is my new appreciation for the two (2) dishwashers in my home. As said before, I’m not big on sweets, so I noticed some bananas next to the refrigerator, and asked for one of those. We both took advantage of a banana. We also heard some commotion in the intake area from a couple new inmates being processed.

Bananas in our jumpsuit pockets, we are questioned by the guards as to if we are allowed to have those, and chef stands up for us, and we are escorted back to our pods.

Friday Night – I’ve been there less than 12 hours, Our cell pods are open and we are free to congregate in the hall outside our pods and into the other pods. I can’t say enough about this as myself and other inmates exchanged stories, I.E. how we got into this lifestyle, etc. It was a great evening. We also had another inmate join us from work release.

The guards order us back to our pods. My pod mate and I proactively close our cell doors and get ready for bed. I’m not sure if you ever get used to the sound of your cell door or pod door slamming shut. I’m weird – I sleep in my own cell on a jail mattress whenever I’m home. There is an LED light inside the cell at my home, so I’m somewhat used to sleeping with the light on. My mind runs 24/7 so I take Ambien to sleep. I take an Ambien, strip down to my boxers (our pod was a little warm), say goodnight to my pod mate and lay down to sleep.

Lights out, and I mean lights out, it was pitch black in my cell. I got up to take a piss and get a drink of water. Had to feel around for the stainless-steel combi unit, then I thought, I’ve just got to sit like a girl to piss.

Little to no real sleep that night regardless of the Ambien.

Smell coffee on Saturday morning, hear music in the hallway. Start to smell breakfast. Can’t go anywhere – I’m locked in a cell after all. Waiting for my pod mate to wake up so we can talk.

Lined up for breakfast on Saturday morning. One of our fellow inmates starts a commotion. Guards everywhere. We are sent back to our pods and the pod doors slammed shut and locked.

Finally, things calm down and we are allowed out of our pods for breakfast, which is now cold. There are three inmates in restraint chairs in the mess hall. After breakfast we are back in our cell pods. My pod mate knew I was trying to close a business deal, so when a guard came to check on us, he spoke up on my behalf and said I needed a phone check.

Some time later a guard came and got me (no cuffs) and I stepped out of play to an extent. He locked me in the visitation room and gave me my phone. I said I could really use my laptop as well. It was the same guard that “arrested” me, so he knew my vehicle. I told him where the laptop was and he got it for me. Bonus, he also brought my mouse as well, so I did not have to navigate the “scratch pad” on my laptop which I hate.  So, I sat in the visitation room and got some work done. Hindsight is always 20/20, I never should have left the inmate headspace to do that, as I did not close the deal until the week after the event.  Oh well. I closed my laptop and just waited for a guard to come to get me. Again, no cuffs involved moving me back to my pod.

Now they are cycling us through another uncomfortable (for me at least) strip search. I am trying to anticipate the next command and I am failing miserably. Next is another shower. I am learning not to move without instructions to do so. So, as my pod mate searches for an appropriate sized jumpsuit, I am standing freezing cold naked in the shower waiting for someone to tell me to grab the towel and dry off. I put on an orange jumpsuit, and we are escorted back to our pod.

Lunchtime on Saturday. Once again, my fellow inmates do not seem to understand the process. There is another new inmate. He starts to exchange words with the guards that are present. I later learned he tapped out.

Back to our pod after lunch. I’m not sure of the time, however, some guards come into the pod and order me into my cell and slam the door closed. They cuff my pod mate and remove him from the pod. I figured I am in lockdown. A few minutes later I heard the buzz of the cell door release. So now I can at least walk around the pod. I am still alone. Might have been better to be in a bigger pod – at least you would have someone to talk to. Tried to nap, thinking little/no sleep last night would help. No luck.

Pod door is opened – recreation time. Most of us gather in the mess hall. Someone has an idea that we trade inmate IDs. I was not there to be a problem; I just wanted to experience a realistic jail incarceration. But I also did not want to be the one guy to not participate in that. However you want to look at it, I happened to trade with the one guy handcuffed to the table due to an earlier incident.

Recreation was still going on, and one of the inmates that was working the kitchen mentioned that those that acted up would be served “The Warden Burger” for dinner. Neither he nor the cook knew what that was. I did not want to find out. Let’s just say it is a little harder to re-switch your inmate ID back with the guy handcuffed to the table when there are guards around. Somehow, I managed to do so.

Recreation is over, and I am back in my pod. Still have not seen my pod mate. Every time I hear the guards coming down the hall, I wonder when or if they are bringing him back. Really you wonder when you hear a guard coming down the hall if the key is going in your pod door. It seemed that most times they were there to open the pod door ACROSS the hall. Not sure what those inmates were up to.

If I did not mention it before, it sucks when you are locked up alone with no one to talk to, which was my situation Saturday afternoon. I smell dinner while locked in my pod. Eventually my pod door is opened, yet still no pod mate. My fellow inmates and I lined up for chow. For some reason, other inmates still cannot get it straight, so it takes a while to get dinner served. I see my pod mate in the chow hall.

After chow, once again, I am selected for KP. Side notes: the cook asked me if I was trustworthy. There was a knife in the sink to be washed, I answered if I was not trustworthy, would I have washed that knife and left it for him to put up? He agreed with my logic, plus I was not looking to shank anyone. Not looking to turn my “play” weekend into a Felony charge. Also got frisked on the way back to my pod.

When the cook asked me that night if I wanted a “treat” for my hard work, I said a vodka and tonic would be great. He said we don’t have that. Looking in the pantry I see a bottle of Ketel One Vodka. I asked where the Schweppes tonic was, and he acknowledged it was in the refrigerator where it could not be seen. More on the alcohol later, although needless to say, as an inmate I did not get a drink. Got a couple of tangerines instead. First time getting frisked after KP. What do you say when the guard feels the tangerine in your jumpsuit front pocket?

Saturday night. Back in my pod. Hear chains slapping against the table – know I’m going to be restrained in some way. Pod door opens, instructed to line up. One by one we are put in cuffs in a blue box, stacked position (which I hate), with a restraint chain to leg irons. We are led into the sally port and loaded in the inmate transport van. Something I wanted to experience. You can’t see outside, however, there was supposedly a “brake check” due to some deer crossing the road. I’ll bring the first in last out comment made earlier again here.

Back at F22 we are released from our restraints and have some open cell block time – many of us gathered in the mess hall and had a great conversation with Thom (SP?) and enjoyed some snacks.

We are ordered back to our pods. Once again my pod mate and I proactively close our cell doors

I took 1 and 1/2 Ambien tablets Saturday night, so I actually got some sleep. There was a dim light on from the mechanical room which did not bother me – better than the total blackout the night before and as I’ve said, I’m used to having some light on when I sleep.

Sunday morning was fun. Line up for breakfast. Still some inmates still could not get it. Oh well.

Someone had the idea to change tables. The guards noticed but did not care. I went with it.

I got pulled for KP for the third time. Another inmate volunteered to stand in for me; however, I said it was no big deal I’ve done it twice already. We got pulled out of the kitchen before finishing the dishes and got chained up for court.

Court was hilarious. I wish I had a recording of that. I’m not exactly sure what I said in my defense, however, it was something to the regard of “I’m not sure there are any words to describe that.” After court we get our street clothes back as well as our phones. My phone was now dead, and my pod mate offered me a charger as mine was in my vehicle.

We got a tour of the entire facility, which was impressive. The guard lounge reeked of alcohol (reference earlier comment). After seeing their accommodations, I think the inmates had better sleeping quarters – even though we were in cells.

There was a lunch planned although I did some quick calculations in my head and selfishly realized If I left I could get home by 1930. So, I said a quick goodbye to several inmates and guards and hit the road.

In hindsight I wish I had stayed around to greet more of the guards and say goodbye to fellow inmates. Especially after battling the thunderstorm and snow in Missouri on the way home.

FYI – this was done from memory – no notes, no journal. I may have missed a detail or two. Or simply overlooked them so as not to spoil someone else’s experience. Hope anyone that reads it enjoys it.

Note from Metal: Learn more about this facility here.