Tag Archives: Safety

There is a difference between consensual bondage and abuse

A number of readers got in touch about a particular two-part story I recently posted. Thank you for the feedback. I wish to express my apologies for those who got turned off with that one. That story features a dark fantasy that one writer wanted to share — but many readers pointed out that it went too far, especially in the second part, crossing the line from consensual play into abuse. It’s definitely not something that should be done in real life. I thought about deleting the story altogether, but I have since gone back and added a warning message to both parts of the story.

UPDATE: After receiving more comments and emails from concerned readers about the story, I have decided to delete it from the Metalbond site. If the author posts it elsewhere I will share a link.

This offers a good opportunity to point out that while men are depicted on this website being bound, restrained, tied up and dominated — everything depicted here is presumed to be consensual. The stories are for fantasy and jerking off, not to be carried out in real life.

When engaging in bondage, S/M or any other sexual activity, always remember that there is definitely a difference between fantasy and reality, between consensual bondage play and abuse. Here’s a helpful graphic to help you spot the difference:

the difference between BDSM and abuse

There are a number of articles available online about the difference between healthy BDSM activity and abuse.

A really good place to start is the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom.

Also check out Psychology Today (where the graphic above is from) and verywell.com.

What’s wrong with these pictures?

MetalbondNYC_electro_DONT_01 MetalbondNYC_electro_DONT_02

I was always told that when it comes to electro, keep it BELOW the waist. I see this stuff in gay bondage porn quite a lot. But you don’t want to run an electrical current through someone’s body close to the heart.

 

There is nothing wrong with fantasizing, of course. If you look closely at these pictures of Lance from Dream Boy Bondage, you might notice that he is clamped with rubber-tipped nip clamps, so there is no actual electrical current involved. In other words, what is pictured is “simulated electro” for fantasy purposes only.

MetalbondNYC_electro_DONT_03 MetalbondNYC_electro_DONT_03a

Bottom line: Just because you see something on the Tumbly thing or in porn, doesn’t mean you should do it in real life.

 

A newbie wants help breaking into the local gay bondage scene

A Metalbond reader recently sent me this via email:

Dear Metal,

I’m 33 years old, gay male. I’m looking to sort of “ease into” local gay BDSM. I’m a bit sexually shy, but I have, as long as I can remember, found myself attracted to BDSM. I’ve finally worked up the nerve to try and get into it beyond looking at websites. I’m looking for advice on how or where I should go in New York City to meet some people. If you have any advice, it would be greatly appreciated.

 

My response:

A great place to start is the New York Bondage Club. They meet on Sunday nights at Paddles on 26th Street. You can join in the action if you like, or just watch, and it is great place (in my opinion) for beginners.

The education-focused GMSMA (Gay Male S/M Activists) closed down several years back, but some of the alumni from this organization have formed BDSMU, which bills itself as “a new organization focused on building education and camaraderie in the NYC kink community.” They offer monthly events at the Eagle NYC. You can connect with BDSMU via their Facebook page.

Workshops and classes on various topics are also offered at The Leather Man (primarily gay men) and Purple Passion / DV8 (a more “heteroflexible” crowd) on various topics. Check their websites for class offerings, times and dates.

Also, if you haven’t already done so, should put up a profile on Recon. There are lots of local guys out there, and if you get the app you might find (since this in New York Fuckin’ City) that some very hot bondage stud is closer than you can imagine! And he can’t wait to get his hands on a horny newcomer like you!

When you do meet up with someone, be sure to be careful! That means meeting in a public place before going home with the guy, telling someone where you are going, etc. You might find this article from the Anti-Violence Project especially helpful.

Have fun — and send me an email sometime telling me about your adventures!

—Metal

jpeg-1BDSMU

 

 

Be careful when hooking up online

Hey fellas, time to get serious for a moment.

There have been a number of serious incidents here in NYC in recent weeks involving gay men getting murdered after hooking up with other men they met online. These incidents have received widespread media attention in the local papers and TV news broadcasts.

Guys, PLEASE be careful when meeting up with new guys for sex play … ESPECIALLY if it involves bondage! Here are some tips that you might find useful:

  • If you are going to seek a play partner out online, I would strongly suggest you stick to a tried-and-true profile site like Recon, and avoid Craig’s List. (With Craig’s List, especially if you are going for bondage play, you are just taking too big a risk, in my opinion.)
  • When you are on a site like Recon, the guy’s profile will give you a much better sense of him. Does he have multiple pictures of himself available? Do they match? How long has he has had a profile on the site? Does he have friends listed whom you know? Check with some of those guys. Use your common sense.
  • Definitely make sure someone knows where you are going. That means giving a trusted buddy the guy’s contact information. (Whenever I invite somebody over here to tie up for the first time, I always send the guy my full name, address and phone number with a note, “feel free to give this information to a trusted friend, so that somebody knows where you are.”)
  • If you don’t have a buddy to act as your “safety,” then get one. Don’t worry, you don’t have to go into detail with your safety buddy about what you are doing or getting into, if you are uncomfortable or embarrassed sharing that information. Your buddy is not going to judge you, and you can return the favor for him next time.
  • You might want to consider meeting the guy in a public place, like at a bar or coffee shop, before going back to his place for the action.
  • Even better, go to a public play space like the New York Bondage Club to play for the first time.
  • If you are tied up at a play party with lots of other guys around and things get out of hand, you can always yell the universal safe word, which is “safe word!”
  • Another thing to consider, if you are going to get tied up by another guy for the first time, is that it is probably better to go to HIS place and not have him over to your place. Is there a doorman or security camera where he lives? That’s a plus for you.

Again, make sure that someone knows where you are going!!!

For more information on how to hook up safely, a really great resource is the New York City Anti Violence Project (AVP) … they have a 24-hour hotline — 212-714-1141 — as well as a downloadable PDF called “Staying Safe” that you can download by clicking here.